closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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