Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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