Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
