he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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