I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Randomize
