i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
