and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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