I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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