miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
