I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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