FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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