Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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