Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
