If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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