you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
nutella sex= disaster
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
