god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
