Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Did you pee in the oven last night??
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
