Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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