if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
