rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
