I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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