Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
