her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
