She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
