was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
