He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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