i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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