Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
