life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
