I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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