I wish my penis had an off switch
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Someone signed my nipple.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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