Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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