Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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