I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
