guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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