I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
