The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
