I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
