you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
