What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
