If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Randomize
