So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
