everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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