Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
