Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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