I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
