Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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