you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
