I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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