trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
be right there i have to get my cape
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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