They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
